10 Ways NOT To Look Atrocious
Ten Outfits That Are Bound To Make You Look Fat
1. Shirt dresses – Shirt Dresses are a bad bad idea. Who ever thought that wearing a shirt dress would ‘accentuate your curves’! No. What they do do, is they mess up the smooth flow that a dress should give and have that odd hem which looks like you’re wearing your boyfriend’s shirt SUCH a bad idea. The invention of the shirt dress must definitely have been someone dying to find SOMETHING new to sell. Ugh.
2. Bright turtlenecks – Bright Turtlenecks are pretty. Yes. Pretty in the sense that they should be draped around your Christmas tree as decorations for your child’s neighborhood Christmas party. This atrocity should never ever have been invented. The only colors that turtle necks should be worn in are gray, white and black. That’s it. I don’t care how thin you are. (And anyway if you were kate moss thin you wouldn’t be reading this article. Let’s just face the facts here, kiddies).
3. Leather pants – Leather Pants?! We may still listen to Madonna, but the eighties are long gone! Who the hell promoted leather pants? The other day I’m out and about in Atlanta, walking from Ri-Ra to Cosmo Lava and guess who I see walking just ten feet in front of me(no. not my college crush turned worst enemy ever) but a woman wearing ZEBRA PLEATHER pants!? I MEAN WHAT?! Not even black leather, but ZEBRA PLEATHER? Seriously? I mean Seriously?!!
4. 12.7-centimetre-wide belts: This is obvious. As mentioned in the above paragraph, you are not Kate Moss thin. So sweetie, don’t bother trying to suck in all your fat with a thick belt. It’s ugly. It’s unattractive. You may have squeezed the fat out of your waist, but it’s not spilling out over your belt.
5. Handbags as big as luggage: It seems that since airports are putting a limit to the size of your carry-on, you decide to stuff everything else in a humungous bag. Well forget about looking attractive to the opposite(or same) sex. (I presume that looking attractive to the opposite sex is of SOME importance to you).
6. Over-the-knee boots: Over the knee boots cause one of two things to happen- either they reach up to your thighs and cause excess fat to spill out over the top of the boot or they cut off the circulation in you legs, which may or may not have you ending up in a hospital on a drunken night out.
7. Round eyewear: Yes. Once again, unless you have a bony, angular Kate Moss shaped face, please don’t wear these round atrocities!
8. Thick platform shoes: These went out of fashion before they were even invented. They look tacky. Just plain ugly.
9. Tube tops and bustiers: Tube tops aren’t worn by anyone self-respecting. Bad, Bad Idea. The fat will spill out again- but this time from right underneath your collar bone. NOT attractive.
10. White coats, pants, shoes, stockings: If you are a doctor you are dismissed from this number. White pants can only work if you are wearing New Body Shaper. Otherwise white pants are perfect if you want to show off your cellulite. White pants just do not work. White shoes won’t get you any dates. The disco era is gone. And white stocking. Agh! Please-Just Shoot Me!
So guys. My latest advice on how ‘not to look chunky’
Tags: BodySuit Shapewear, Fashion, New Body Shaper, Slimming Apparel